Even though I only have a few more lists to go I decided not to make a list this week, but I have an excuse. April Fools! Of course I made a list. I have an excuse anyway though. Actually, I have forty excuses. I have an excuse list! These are my excuses for why my April Fools Day list is a bit lame. Perhaps I have an excuse you can use too. Some of these are even true!
- My two year old tore my list.
- My four year old colored on my list.
- I was too excited about the Game of Thrones season premiere.
- I was busy ignoring March Madness.
I ran out of coffee. (No. Let’s not even joke about that.)
- Three of my last four lists were gallery posts. I deserve a f*cking break.
- The weather finally got nice again, and you think I was going to work on a list?
- I was too busy planning an epic April Fools prank.
- I was working on my list, but… SQUIRREL!
- Easter brunch food coma.
- Easter dinner food coma.
- Easter candy sugar crash.
- I was encased in carbonite.
- My account was hacked.
- I figured you’d think whatever I wrote was an April Fools joke anyway.
- The dog ate my password.
- I totally forgot. I mean, I’ve only been doing this for 38 weeks, so it’s not yet a habit.
- Stop badgering me!
- I was trying to do my taxes.
- I was writing a play for the first time in 2 years instead.
- The government sequester furloughed my creativity.
- I’m still looking for hidden Easter eggs.
- Instead of writing I took a nap, and it was glorious.
- The hypothesis “this list ain’t gonna write itself” seems to be true.
- I saw this thing on Pinterest about how I could make a really great list using paint chips, a crock pot and a 5 minute workout, but it didn’t work for me.
- I wrote a list but couldn’t think of more than 39 items.
- Epic dance party.
- I sprained my typing fingers at the climbing wall.
- I was looking for a real job.
- I learned that although an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters can write Hamlet they still can’t come up with an interesting 40 item list.
- Food poisoning.
- Temporary insanity.
- I thought the Flying Jesi were the rapture, so I figured most people wouldn’t be around to read a list anyway.
- You were all expecting a list. I hate to think I’m that predictable.
- The wind blew it away.
- My doctor told me to cut back on list-making.
- You’re not the boss of me!
- I had a magnificent list all ready. It was my best one yet. I was so excited to post it. I had to run to go to the store for some milk. I decided to walk because it was a nice night. On my way back it was dark. A man came out of the alley as I passed. He had a gun. I offered him my money, my cell phone, even the milk.
He said, “Give me the list.”
“No,” I blurted out without even thinking. Then I added, “It’s my list. I worked hard on it.”
He said, “Give me the fucking list or I’ll shoot you right between the eyes.”
At that moment I stopped thinking about the list. I thought about my family waiting for me at home. My husband. My kids. I thought about never seeing them again. Never hugging them again. Never bringing them the milk. I gave him the list.
I should have fought for the list. I should have fought for you, but I’m not a hero. I’m sorry.
- Sheer laziness.
You can see all of my other lists here.
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