The Chicago murder rate is tired and wants some time off

Hey, boss. Thanks for seeing me. No, I don’t mind if you eat your lunch while I talk. Is that from downstairs? It smells good.

Anyway, I have a personal request. I hope it’s okay. I was wondering if I could take the end of the year off. Like a sabbatical. I have some vacation saved up, and I’d be willing to take the rest unpaid (if I have to). I just really need a break.

I know it’s been a record year so far. I know. That’s the problem. I’m burnt out. I’ve already exceeded my quota. I’m close to last year’s epic death toll, and it’s only the third quarter! I’m killing myself killing people, yet no one seems to care!

Yes, I know you care. The families of the victims care, too. But the public in general? They barely blink. I’m shooting people literally every day (maybe not always killing them but making a real effort out there) and the news barely mentions it. Politicians namedrop me then move on to something else. No one pays attention for long. It sucks. Not that I’m looking for fame, but I don’t want to feel invisible either, you know?

The summer is always my busiest season anyway. When it’s cold no one wants to go outside and shoot people. By the end of November most of the city will be sitting at home, drinking hot cocoa, and binge-watching the new Gilmore Girls.

If I take some time off I can come back refreshed and more brutal than ever! It isn’t like anyone is going to make my job harder in the meantime. Actually, people will probably be doing my job for me. A lot of grassroots efforts of hate and violence have been springing up. Social media really helps. I see supportive messages everywhere. (Kudos to the guys in marketing. Seriously.) Soon you’ll be able to crowdsource this whole eradication of the human race thing. I’m sure you’d get the credit.

I know that Cancer is still beating us. But in the U.S. we’ve really been banging it out! Get it? “Banging it out” because, you know, Guns. They go bang? Anyway, a couple hundred fewer deaths in one city in one year won’t make a big difference.

I don’t want to quit. No, I just need a little time away. To recharge. To be with my family. To work on my novel for a while. I, too, want to be able to drink hot cocoa and binge-watch the new Gilmore Girls. (I’m really excited about the new Gilmore Girls. Did you see the teaser trailer? I can send you the link.) My point is a few months is not that long in the grand scheme, but it would make a big difference to me.

Just think about it. I’ll leave the form right here. I filled it all out. You just need to sign where the sticky flag is and send it back to HR. Thank you for your time.That soup really does smell good. I may need to get some.

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