October 29: Scared

The October Diary is a work of fiction originally released serially during October 2015. The complete list of posts can be found here.

October 29th

I’m scared. I would have thought having a month to prepare for my death would make dying easier. For a while it seemed to, but now it’s too close. It’s too real.

I should have asked him how I would die. At first just knowing that I would die at the end of the month was enough to think about, but now I find myself wondering exactly how I will die.

With Brendan it was a car accident, but I don’t plan to leave the house on the 31st making that unlikely. It could be a freak accident at home though. A bookshelf tipping over, or I slip in the shower.

Perhaps the Man with the Shadow Voice will come and do it himself. Would he put his hands around my neck and slowly crush my throat? Would he use a weapon? Can he snap his finger and make something burst in my brain or my heart?

Perhaps he could kill me with his dark, cold voice. I imagine he could whisper in my ear until I freeze from the inside out. Could he scare me to death?

If I got to choose I would want to die in my sleep. Isn’t that what anyone would want?

Whatever way I go I just hope that it doesn’t hurt, or doesn’t hurt too much or too long. This has already hurt too much and too long.

In a couple days I will die, and I don’t know what exactly is going to happen. And I definitely don’t know what’s going to happen after whatever happens.

Will I walk into a bright light? Will there be nothing? If death is like sleeping forever does that mean I may dream? And if I dream does that mean I can still have nightmares? That would be hell.

I tried to call Annie. It went to voicemail. I left an awkward, “Hi, Annie. It’s your mom. I was just thinking of you. Call me if you can. I love you. Okay. Bye, sweetie.” Maybe she’ll call back.

I don’t want to sleep tonight because I know I will wake up closer to death. I don’t want to sleep tonight because I don’t want to see the Man before I have to.

My eyes are heavy, but I’m going to look for something else to watch on the TV. And I’m keeping every light in the house on until morning.

What happens next? Read the next part of the story here.

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