My doctor suggested I stop drinking coffee for a few weeks to see if it has an impact on some as of yet undiagnosed symptons that I’ve been experiencing for years. If this sounds familiar it may be because I wrote a Fiction Friday piece about a woman whose doctor told her to stop drinking coffee. Remember this?
That’s me now. I cursed myself.
I’ve gone for months with very little caffeine when I was pregnant, but knowing I’ve survived such a challenge before doesn’t make the transition any easier. To help me survive I called upon the Internet for ways to stay awake. Here are 15 ways to stay awake without drinking coffee that I’ve identified so far.
- Decaf coffee. Denial is healthy, right?
- Tea. Don’t get me wrong. I like tea. Sometimes. But I know coffee, and tea is no coffee.
- Green tea. Like regular tea but with alleged magical powers of health! And less caffeine! And a kind of weird taste!
- Sugar. Donuts, cookies, cakes, mainlining right out of the packet. This seems viable/probable.
- Capsaican pills (aka cayenne pepper pills). I tried these once a few decades ago. The result was an undesirable combination of my body being jittery while my mind was still foggy. No thank you.
- B vitamins. Sure. Fine. Whatever.
- Vigorous exercise. Can’t I just have one lifestyle change at a time?!
- Yerba Mate. A friend recommended this. I have no idea what it is, but the name alone makes me think it’s disgusting.
- Ice cold showers. So, basically, the best time to quit coffee would have been when our water heater was broken.
- Eating an apple. This was suggested in a “I heard that works but I drink coffee” kind of way. Of course, they say “an apple a day keeps the doctor away,” so maybe the apple is to make sure the doctor doesn’t catch me sneaking coffee.
- Diet Montain Dew, a.k.a. how I got through grad school. I don’t think this is what my doctor intended when she told me to stop drinking coffee.
- Stabbing myself in the back of my hand with a pin whenever I feel groggy. Ouch.
- Sleeping until I feel revived. Unfortunately, this would require quitting my job and sending my kids away.
Or there’s always this:
It’s been four days, and so far I’ve gone with decaf (liar’s) coffee and overeating. It’s fine except for feeling like everything is moving in slow motion and like my eyes are crying backward into my skull and my brain is swimming, swimming, swimming. I’m totally okay.
Get notified of new (potentially delirious from lack of coffee) posts by email. Type your email address in the box and click the “create subscription” button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.