Son, come here. I want to apologize for throwing you such a lame birthday party. You deserve better. You are five. A whole hand! You should have a unique and magical party, but I gave you this. I am so ashamed.
Look at this Pinterest board I made. I spent months pinning things for your party. See how the fruit are carved like tiny superheroes? That’s attention to detail. I thought of that!
Well, someone else thought of it, but I thought of doing it. It’s the thought that counts, right?
Sadly time slipped away from me which is why we ended up at this filthy Chuck E. Cheese in a suburban strip mall. Totally generic and impersonal and unworthy of my boy turning five. My son!
I know you must be so embarrassed. Mea culpa. Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa.
You have been such a trooper throughout this ordeal. When we drove up and you squealed, “Chuck E. Cheese! Chuck E. Cheese! Chuck E. Cheese!” I know it was for my benefit to hide your immense disappointment. Thank you, my dear sweet boy.
Oh, and the way you choked down that store bought cake as though the mix of excessive sugar and unpronounceable chemicals didn’t completely offend your five year old palate. You even ate two pieces to keep up the facade. I was so proud of you.
What’s that? You want more tokens? Of course. You can have all the tokens. As many tokens as it takes to ease your pain and keep you loving me despite my flaws.
Look at you laughing and playing with your friends! A proper host always makes sure his guests have a good time even if the party is as disappointing and inadequate as this one.
You are so brave. So, so brave. You deserve so much more. I’m starting a “6th Birthday” Pinterest board on my phone right now.
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