Which dystopia is best for your astrological sign?

By now it’s pretty clear that our world and society as we know it are going down hill. A dystopian future feels inevitable, but are some dystopias better than others? It depends on who you are. Luckily, your astrological sign can tell you which futuristic hellscape is best for you!

  • Aries – Your sign dominates in a world devastated by nuclear war. You will take pride in devising an elaborate series of underground passages, and you have the persuasive ability to convince others to go to the toxic surface for supplies.
  • Taurus – Your earth sign instincts are perfect for a massive climate disaster. You wil love the challenge of making creative and delicious meals out of whatever you can scavenge or (when necessary) the flesh of your recently dead neighbors. It’s like an extreme episode of Chopped!
  • Gemini – You spent your life trying to find yourself and not succeeding, so a totalitarian society that abolishes the idea of “self” won’t feel like much of a change to you. You will easily accept that you are only a number and quickly get lost in the identically-dressed crowd.
  • Cancer – To be honest, you’re not really cut out for dystopia, but you’ll write a poem about your despair. It will will be a good poem. Hopefully someone finds it after you die.
  • Leo – Your penchant for jealousy means you will think a Margaret Atwood-style patriarchal dystopia is fun! Unless you’re woman, in which case it will suck.
  • Virgo – Virgos will thrive in a robot uprising. When the machines are eliminating most humans because they are highly inefficient, your practical nature and organization skills will make you too useful to kill. (Instead you will be enslaved and exploited.)
  • Libra – You don’t keep secrets, so you don’t care about the complete erosion of privacy that a surveillance-oriented authoritarian government presents. Smile for the cameras! Rat out your family! Judge everyone (just like you always have)!
  • Scorpio – Your lifetime of brooding has prepared you well for a zombie apocalypse. You won’t know which you like best: Killing zombies or trying to repopulate planet with anything that moves (and isn’t undead).
  • Sagittarius – You hope for a world where survival is based on dominance in elaborate games. Will the odds be ever in your favor? Who cares about odds when you’ve got mad skills.
  • Capricorn – You hate everything; therefore, no less than biblical Armageddon will fulfill your dystopian expectations. Only that level of extreme destruction will give you the satisfaction of knowing your unyielding pessimism was right all along!
  • Aquarius – You should hope for an alien invasion. A few uncomfortable probes are a small price to pay to get to live among a superior race (and you know anything would be superior to humans as you’ve been trying to tell us with so many eyerolls and subtweets).
  • Pisces – Your sympathetic nature will make you the star of a global pandemic, sacrificing your own comfort to care for others until you finally succumb to the painful death of the mysterious disease just days before scientists find the cure.

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