Social media contract templates for these contentious times

Has your relationship with your social media contacts changed for the worse since the election? Perhaps these social media contract templates can help return your feeds to what you expect. Copy the contract that fits your situation, and select from the bracketed options. Choose all that apply.

Dear person I follow on [popular social media platform],

I started following you because [we are friends, we went to school together, we are related, I saw a post of yours that I liked, you followed me first, I was hoping you’d follow me back, your profile picture is hot, other], but lately I have been considering [unfollowing, blocking, publicly shaming, physically threatening] you.

[Please select one]

  • I used to like how your posts were [humorous, personal, touching, spiritual, sexy, pictures of food], but now almost all your posts are political. I did not follow you for political posts. Please stop posting that shit.


  • I used to like how your posts were [humorous, personal, touching, spiritual, sexy, pictures of food], but the fact that you keep posting that stuff when there are so many serious issues to be addressed seems [naive, irrelevant, irresponsible]. Please stop posting that shit.


  • I used to like your smart political takes but now all you write about is [your overwhelming depression, your increasing substance abuse problems, how society is collapsing around us]. I did not follow you for that depressing stuff. Please stop posting that shit.


  • I followed you because I liked how you were going to “Make America Great Again,” but now you just rant about [the media, Saturday Night Live, Chicago, fake news, the “Winter White House,” your daughter’s failed clothing line, other crazy shit]. This makes me feel [shame, terrified, continued pride in having voted for you]. Please [resign, save me from brown people and/or women and/or “the gays” and/or science].


Dear [follower, former follower],

Thank you for reaching out! Also, fuck you. My account is my voice and I use it how I like. I’m sorry if that no longer meets your expectations.

[Please select one]

  • I am fully committed to posting what I want to post. Being true to myself is more important than my follower count.


  • I won by a HUGE margin and now you are stuck with me, my horrible appointees, and our terrible ideas. If you try to get rid of me I will not go without taking this place down with me.


  • I look forward to your continued support.


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