October 22: Bad Thoughts

The October Diary is a work of fiction originally released serially during October 2015. The complete list of posts can be found here.

October 22nd

I’ve been having bad thoughts. Selfish thoughts.I guess that’s what survival is.

The last time the Man with the Shadow Voice told me I was going to die and I convinced him not to, he took Brendan instead. I knew better than to say no this time because I couldn’t stand for him to take Annie. It wouldn’t be worth being alive if she were the cost.

But what if it didn’t have to be Annie?

It’s awful, but I keep thinking of other people I might suggest he take instead of me.


She’s not married. She doesn’t have kids. Who would miss her?

I would. I’m ashamed I even considered it.

Still, I can’t get rid of the sick fantasy that someone else might be able die instead of me. I look at annoying coworkers and barely familiar neighbors and think, “Why not him? Why not her?”

I hate myself for thinking these things, but I don’t was to die. I don’t want anyone to die, but mostly I don’t want to die.

What happens next? Read the next part of the story here.

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