50 ways to be left by your lover

The Paul Simon song “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” lists options for escaping your relationship. The ways listed in the song are pretty cowardly, but a new version would need to be more passive aggressive to appeal to a modern audience. Instead of saying how you can leave your lover it should suggest bad behaviors that will get your lover to leave you.

In actuality the original song only offers five ways to leave your lover:

  • You slip out the back, Jack.
  • Make a new plan, Stan.
  • You don’t need to be coy, Roy. (Just get yourself free.)
  • Hop on the bus, Gus. (You don’t need to discuss much.)
  • Just drop off the key, Lee. (And get yourself free.)

Honestly, I’m not even sure if not being coy should count, which would cut the list down to four.

Well, that kind of false advertising may sit well with Mr. Paul Simon, but I believe in delivering what I promise. If I tell you I’m giving you 50 ways, then you are getting 50 ways. Sure some may be better than others, but there will be 50. (That’s 10 items more than many of my other lists!)

Here are a full 50 things you can do that will increase the likelihood that your lover will leave you:

  1. Just act like a dick, Nick.
  2. Be rude to her mom, Tom.
  3. Tell her she’s fat, Matt.
  4. Lick all his cheese, Louise.
  5. Pee on the seat, Pete.
  6. Make noise when you chew, Lou.
  7. Tell him you’re gay, Mae.
  8. Tell her you’re straight, Kate.
  9. Constantly fart, Bart.
  10. Get him fired from his job, Bob.
  11. Don’t reply to her texts, Tex.
  12. Eat the last of her Samoas, Noah.
  13. Leave his phone out in the rain, Jane.
  14. Spoil her favorite show, Joe.
  15. Steal all her cash, Ash.
  16. Hide all his pot, Dot.
  17. Smoke all her dope, Hope.
  18. Be extra mean, Jean.
  19. Always stare at your phone, Tone.
  20. Dress like a slob, Rob.
  21. Make a big mess, Jess.
  22. Call her the wrong name, James.
  23. Embarrass him online, Adeline.
  24. Forget about your date, Nate.
  25. Wreck her new car, Lamar.
  26. Puke in her bed, Fred.
  27. Poop in your pants, Vance.
  28. Flirt with her dad, Brad.
  29. Spit in her face, Grace.
  30. Have an affair, Claire.
  31. Tell her how to behave, Dave.
  32. Stop shaving your legs, Peg.
  33. Constantly lie, Vi.
  34. Let her dog run away, Ray.
  35. Be really smelly, Kelly.
  36. Laugh at his bod, Todd.
  37. Sell her stuff at the pawn, Sean.
  38. Always talk about your ex, Lex.
  39. Sweep the leg, Meg.
  40. Say the kid isn’t his, Liz.
  41. Sell his SSN, Sven.
  42. Hack his email, Abigail.
  43. Pretend to be insane, Elaine.
  44. Act really crazy, Daisy.
  45. Fake your own death, Beth.
  46. Say you have an STD, Dee.
  47. Frame him for a crime, Clementine.
  48. Change all the locks, Doc.
  49. Have sex with her sister, mister.
  50. Say you want to leave, Steve. No, really. Say you want to leave. Be honest. Quit playing games. That goes for all of you. Sheesh.

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