List 28: Facebook search capabilities we really need

Facebook Graph Search was announced last week. This new Facebook search capability allows users to find people based on their interests, locations and other personal details. Like most Facebook changes this has raised privacy concerns, which is why I suggested some settings to check here. From a usefulness perspective, yes, it could be fun to be able find “Friends of Friends who like [the show I’m obsessed with] in [the city I’m moving to]” or similar social and even dating focused queries. However, Facebook search will still not give us the ability to do the searches we really need.

Below are 40 searches that you probably still won’t be able to do on Facebook even though they would be super helpful in determining who to friend, unfriend or filter.

1. “Friends who are willing to help me move.”
2. “Friends who are willing to help me move a corpse.”
3. “People who are fake identities created by debt collection agencies in order to find me.”
4. “Friends who should have all their status updates filtered through Snopes before posting.”
5. “Friends who are willing to be designated drivers.”
6. “People who are fun to be with and are pregnant, recovering alcoholics or otherwise sober because I’m sick of being a designated driver for a bunch of drunks.”
7. For single ladies: “Friends who will go to the bar with me to meet guys but who are not hotter than I am.”
8. For single guys: “Single women who recently had birthdays so I won’t be stuck getting them a present after three dates.”
9. For anyone single: “Friends of friends who seem good on Facebook but who I won’t get along with in real life so I shouldn’t waste my time.”
10. Furthermore: “Friends of friends who seem great but have non-disclosed STDs.”
11. “Friends who owe me money.”
12. “Friends who I owe money (so I can avoid them)”
13. “Who did I loan that book to?”
14. “People who haven’t posted anything but pictures of other people’s cats, stale memes and factually unsound text copied from someone else’s status for the past 6 months.”
15. “People who are likely to click on something stupid that will compromise their account and potentially compromise my personal data along with it.”
16. “Embarrassing pictures of me that aren’t tagged (i.e. I don’t know about them).”
17. “Friends of friends who would increase my Bacon number.”
18. “People I think are stuck up but are really just shy and we actually have tons in common and they are super cool.”
19. “People who bring more than their share of beer/wine/food to parties.”
20. “Friends of friends who have the knowledge to help my pub trivia team win.”
21. “Friends of friends I would be able to beat at Words with Friends.”
22. “Friends who post spoilers to movie and TV shows.”
23. “Friends who will go shopping with me and be honest about whether outfits look good on me.”
24. “Friends who only friended me because they thought I was someone else.”
25. “Friends who only friended me because they wanted to reach a milestone for their number of friends.”
26. “Friends who aren’t trying to sell me something.”
27. “Friends of friends who totally have good dish on my current friends and aren’t afraid to share it.”
28. “People from high school who can put the person in this friend request I just got in context because the name is vaguely familiar but I don’t actually remember who this person is.”
29. “Pictures of people who were hot when we were in school together but to whom time has not been kind.”
30. “Friends who like the same restaurants as I do and always pay their fair share of the check (including tax and tip).”
31. Better still: “Friends who have a tendency to pick up the check.”
32. “People I have a bad history with but I don’t realize are friends of friends on here and therefore can see some of the stuff I post on people’s walls.”
33. “Friends who actually care what I post.”
34. “Friends of friends who can get me drugs.”
35. “Friends of friends who can get me Girl Scout cookies.”
36. “Real pictures of friends who use images of people or things other than themselves as their avatars. I don’t remember what they really look like anymore.”
37. “Friends whose children aren’t smarter, more talented or better looking than my children.”
38. “People who will become famous so I should start hanging out with them now.”
39. “People who post really interesting things before anyone else.”
40. “Friends who are likely to share things I post privately even though those statuses and/or pictures may destroy my relationships, career or non-incarcerated lifestyle but I insist on posting them anyway because I love attention.”

If you want some serious tips for using Facebook see my posts on privacy settings for Graph Search, the threat of people eroding your privacy on Facebook and tips for avoiding Facebook data leaks.

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